Without fanfare and certainly no expense spent, here are the first emanations from Madame B in several years.
Whilst waiting for her to call in September, I bumped into Madame B in Muji. I was buying a swish umbrella, and she was trying to conceal a huge aluminium filing cabinet in her turban.
She looked at me with that special look she reserved for people she may trust at some point in the future - that one with the eyebrow raised high above her hairline - and began to speak...
Libra
As the moon enters its twine phase, this week you will be involved in a side project with Brian Eno, and it will bear unusual fruit. Sort of pineapple-y, but very small. Mushrooms will continue to grow underneath your desk, silently, and for reasons that will not become clear for some considerable time. If you are a Libran, then your birthday will be celebrated with a trip to see Mr. Scruff at the Custard Factory. Jupiter makes a surprising coffee and walnut cake, which goes excellently with a cappuccino from Costa.
Gemini
Skilled Nepalese craftsmen will deliver your sofa over the course of several months via splinters of wood sellotaped to postcards, which you have to assemble in strict size order. Well, it was you who was attracted by the price, Gemini, not me. Noel Edmonds’ missing years are found when you look through some old bank statements. Daley Thompson continues to not age, which is entirely down to you getting older twice as fast as normal. Prosperity could be yours if you invest wisely in the lucrative sheepskin coat markets of Iran.
Sagittarius
This Friday, Colleen says something shocking about Jane, who in turn is stunned by a revelation from Brian about Jasper’s conviction for fish rustling, in the insane wilds of Northamptonshire. Chimps will ignore you again, as they are yet to conclude their research on your stool samples. Artists the world over will be appalled at your entry to this year’s Fugaraelli Prize for Abstract Art, which is a finely detailed portrait of Quentin Willson, you know, him, who used to be on Top Gear then went on to Channel Five. You know, bald. Smooth voice, like a deep Estate Agent’s. You know! Anyway, the judges are unhappy, as it is too lifelike.
And with that, she was away, clattering the cabinet off the top of the door as she sought to evade the security guards for the fifth time this week. Her running style was similar to a simpleton trying to dodge the rain, but ten times faster.
More news from Madame B soon, hopefully I’ll get to ask her why she was in Birmingham or get some more gen on why she is just so darned good at predicting the future.
Cheerio
