October 1st, 2008

Without fanfare and certainly no expense spent, here are the first emanations from Madame B in several years.

Whilst waiting for her to call in September, I bumped into Madame B in Muji. I was buying a swish umbrella, and she was trying to conceal a huge aluminium filing cabinet in her turban. 

She looked at me with that special look she reserved for people she may trust at some point in the future - that one with the eyebrow raised high above her hairline - and began to speak...

Libra

As the moon enters its twine phase, this week you will be involved in a side project with Brian Eno, and it will bear unusual fruit. Sort of pineapple-y, but very small. Mushrooms will continue to grow underneath your desk, silently, and for reasons that will not become clear for some considerable time. If you are a Libran, then your birthday will be celebrated with a trip to see Mr. Scruff at the Custard Factory. Jupiter makes a surprising coffee and walnut cake, which goes excellently with a cappuccino from Costa.

Gemini

Skilled Nepalese craftsmen will deliver your sofa over the course of several months via splinters of wood sellotaped to postcards, which you have to assemble in strict size order. Well, it was you who was attracted by the price, Gemini, not me. Noel Edmonds’ missing years are found when you look through some old bank statements. Daley Thompson continues to not age, which is entirely down to you getting older twice as fast as normal. Prosperity could be yours if you invest wisely in the lucrative sheepskin coat markets of Iran.

Sagittarius

This Friday, Colleen says something shocking about Jane, who in turn is stunned by a revelation from Brian about Jasper’s conviction for fish rustling, in the insane wilds of Northamptonshire. Chimps will ignore you again, as they are yet to conclude their research on your stool samples. Artists the world over will be appalled at your entry to this year’s Fugaraelli Prize for Abstract Art, which is a finely detailed portrait of Quentin Willson, you know, him, who used to be on Top Gear then went on to Channel Five. You know, bald. Smooth voice, like a deep Estate Agent’s. You know! Anyway, the judges are unhappy, as it is too lifelike.

And with that, she was away, clattering the cabinet off the top of the door as she sought to evade the security guards for the fifth time this week. Her running style was similar to a simpleton trying to dodge the rain, but ten times faster.

More news from Madame B soon, hopefully I’ll get to ask her why she was in Birmingham or get some more gen on why she is just so darned good at predicting the future.

Cheerio

Madame B - Episode 5

First Published: 16 January 2004 10:28

"Bumper Update From The Woman Who Knows Everything - Apart From When to Stop Drinking"

Good morning, believers

I must begin with a bit of good news; Mme B has made a complete recovery. Firstly, from the serious cranial injuries sustained by the golf club that was wrapped around her head by a mystery assailant early in December, the alcohol deprivation that she was cruelly put through whilst she was she was in said coma, and predicting things that will actually happen.

Saying that she had made a complete recovery is an understatement, as she has reached uncharted new levels of drunkenness, abuse and disgusting personal hygiene. She has also been blessed with the ability to divine our futures with the technique of reading the tallow cards. These are different to Tarot cards, because they are made completely from cow fat.

I have asked her to ask the spirits for good fortune for my withered hands, as the new skin that was growing split whilst I was walking to the building, with an almighty swear. I asked for a saucy lady dermatologist to be expedited to me. 

So, without further ado, with a round of warm applause, please welcome back Mme B, with her first set of sensible stars from Birmingham...aided by animal by-products.

Virgo

Welcome back, Virgo. You have been mentally away on business for too long, and deserve you let your hair down over the weekend. Visit your local off-licence and put them out of business, and while you are there, think about your favourite astrologer. Venus in the ascendant of the house of Vauxhall means that the following will revolve entirely around cow fat. Steer clear of the animals that have been grazing in your spare room, as they may turn nasty. Pick up the courage to finally learn a martial art, and once you have, half-volley a tramp into a shop window.

Gemini

Fate brings you into contact with a large number of essential pamphlets and leaflets this weekend, and the sight of a doctor's surgery has never been more welcomed. This will be the fourth time in two days that you require emergency medical attention, as a re-discovered child's chemistry set proves too exciting to leave alone. Do not eat all of the Caesium. You will explode. In your downtime, you will uncover a desire for Bagpuss, and by Monday you will be an expert in the adventures of the saggy cloth cat. Involve a few friends in a saucy game, Buckaroo HP. Make your friends see you in a new light, by smashing all of their lights and demanding that they put new ones in.

Capricorn

The Gods of fate insist you have a less violent weekend than the previous 200 or so. The locals just cannot feel safe with you in this mood. Turn over a new leaf, by pulling a leaf from a hedge and rotating it 180 degrees anti-clockwise. Saturn makes a right mess in your kitchen. John Cleese turns up at your house-party and is crestfallen when nobody talks about Fawlty Towers. Enrol in a course that teaches you essential skills, like rock climbing, shepherding, practical nuclear physics or arc-welding. A film about equality inspires you to employ a cat as your mechanic.

Scorpio

Scorpy. You cad! As the moon is in the house of Asparagus, you are destined to go into a club, smile at the first woman you see and promptly get it on with her. Thankfully, involvement from the bouncers stop it going any further, and after gentle pleading, the cloakroom attendant will not be pressing charges. Luck sees you win 15 driving lessons, even though you passed your test in 1976. If it is your birthday, then sadly you have been reading the wrong star-sign. Fortune favours the brave, and you realise this after hinding behind the setee for the best part of twelve hours. Daleks are not real. Mars sinks a bit, under the weight of all the probes on it. This causes you to have a massive outbreak of acne.

Libra

A woman dressed in black will intimidate and humiliate you this weekend, although it's ok because you paid good money for it. A strongly worded letter from HM Government will land on your doorstep, advising you in the strongest possible terms that you are to no-longer send soiled underwear to selected members of the cabinet. Even though they look forward to it plopping through their letterbox. Yes, we have no bananas. Gordon Ramsay will cook for you, but you will be disgusted by it. To console him, you buy him pie and chips from across the road. He cries. Fate makes you buy a tonne of cow fat.

And with a huge sigh, Mme B breaks wind for ten minutes. On closer inspection, she is playing the Romanian national anthem. And as I look through the 'bumper book of national anthems', she disappears into the setting sun, even though it's well before midday.

I'm sure we will hear from her again, but it may be a while.

Keep the faith

Madame B - Episode 4

First Published: 13 January 2004 16:45

Good afternoon, believers!

And what an afternoon it is! Following Mme B's unsavoury assault with a golf club in December, she has been prone in a coma. This afternoon, she has awoken from her slumber with a snort and an uncharacteristic grab for water.

She drank like a fish, and spoke for the first time in over a month...and it wasn't swearing or requests for booze. It was an eloquent discussion about Mexico, and the problems currently facing the President, Vicente Fox.

The doctors immediately realised there was a problem, and insisted that she started doing a bit of fortune telling to jog her memory.

This is the results, which I managed to smuggle out of the hospital, wrapped in blankets.

Virgo

It is with the greatest of pleasure I can inform you that the Michigan State University Annual Financial Forecast will take place on Friday, in Grand Rapids. There is no guess-work happening here, this will happen. I have read it. Also likely to happen will be Robert Kilroy-Silk birched for his appalling comments and David Beckham to appear in at least one other newspaper before the end of the week.

Capricorn

Eh? Pass me that Scotch. That's better. Also likely to happen this week is weather. There will be weather this week. I read that too. Can't be more specific, I'm afraid, celestial forces are at work. But weather will occur between now and 5.30 on Friday afternoon. You will also be informed of more reliable horoscopes between now and the above time. Grrrrrr.

Sagittarius

Who hit me with that golf club? I'll-lavverm! Raaa! Old Sadgey, this week will bring you powerful visions of events happening in a far off land...but this will be resolved when you sit back a little from the telly, and switch off Sky News. Stay away from Neurofen. Invest heavily in badgers. What English word has twenty letters, begins with N and ends with N? Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Come oooon!

It was at this stage Mme B was sedated with a high-speed train. I'm glad I got out alive, and that Mme B has come out of her coma - but will she recover to her acidic horoscope providing best?

Only the future can tell.

And only one person can tell the future...

Yours Criptically

Madame B - Episode 3.5?

First Published in 2004

The Denoument Of Mme B

Todays short message from Mme B concerns only one star sign, so apologies in advance.

Libra

You will feel cold and upset by your general lack of thought and decency regarding your girlfriend, following an ill-advised and impromptu drinking session. Other feelings will include hurt, detachment and self-anger, aimed centrally at your own lack of control and propensity to create lies to cover your own arse when there is no need for you to do this, making everything ten times worse. This weekend will see you struggle to keep a relationship
together that you worked so hard to begin, and very easily tossed away. Libra, you disgust yourself, and you deserve the isolation that worry and guilt provide.

Other stars available on request.

Madame B - Episode 3

First Published: 11 December 2003, 16:41

Morning, believers.

It is with great sadness that I have to announce the postponement of Friday's Interplanetary and Celestial Alignment and Interpretation Session with Mme B. Mme B was half an hour ago (11.30) involved in a high speed collision with her head, and a three-wood golf club. Mme B is currently on a ventilator and being intravenously fed her porridge. The outlook for the golf club is more bleak, having split in two on contact. Police are looking for an irate golfer, running across Scotland in a Westerly direction on the M8.

Bravely, she still managed to curse the Doctor who prised the bucket of vodka out of her cold hands. 

Updates as and when my busy schedule of work allows.

If you find the time in your hearts - keep the faith.

Madame B - Episode 2

First Published: 05 December 2003, 15:01

Hello again...

Great news! After only six hours in make-up, and a further twenty minutes chucking up, Mme B has finally decided to put that great big red feather on to her head and squeeze into a shocking gypsy dress that would make Lily Savage blush with embarrassment. She is resplendent in more rings than John's Jewellery Box in West Bromwich. In fact, it is the content of John's Jewellery Box in West Bromwich, after it was broken into last weekend.

After a melodramatic wave of her hands and a cursory glance into her rancid cat's anus, the following premonitions fell from her lips...

Gemini May 22 - Jun 21

Your weekend will look like a fetid cat's anus. Oh! Sorry. Your weekend will be positive, like a battery, long, like a cucumber and dirty, like my ex husband who worked on the fair. Mars makes a surprise appearance in your lovemaking, after your loved one watches a programme about Marianne Faithful. Ensure you have enough towels and toilet rolls so as you don't knacker your new bed clothes. Jupiter makes no effect in your life whatsoever. Steer clear of a friend who has recently been showcased on Crimewatch. Luck lives at number 43, and sadly looks like Olga Korbut.

Virgo Aug 24 - Sep 23

Virgo. Virgo, Virgo Virgo. Ah, Virgo. What a blissful weekend you have in store! Your pyjamas will be toasty, and telly will be good. Pluto provides you with the good fortune to discover a cache of 240 fags tucked behind the setee. Your microwave will also bring forth untold untold taste delights from the the frozen section at Aldi. The Sun not only provides you with the warmth and light you cravem but it will also tell you the winner of the 3.10 at Chepstow. Enjoy your weekend. Ignore all telephone calls. Discover the joys of isolation and vitamin N.

Libra September 22 - October 21

A cold weekend is in store for Libra, so stop in bed for as long as possible. Even better if it's not your own as your own bed id due for an upgrade to double size. Your best intentions to not freak out when the dawning realisation that, yes, you ARE shopping for linen on a Saturday afternoon instead of watching Gillette Soccer Special and eating soup fail miserably. You are advised in the strongest possible terms to never enter Ikea ever again. Libra's usual talent for foreign languages fails, as mischievous Mercury swaps the innocent phrase "Dzien Dobry" (Good day) for "Dozien Diabrzi" (I hope your first born is run over by Maureen from Driving School and Michael Winner urinates on the grave). Steer clear of alcohol, it will only antagonize the situation.

Capricorn  Dec 22 - Jan 20

Bawdy text messages are the order of the day for you, dear Capricorn, and ones that are from unknown mobile sources are phenomenally funny to your colleagues. Neptune, the planet of water, insists that you have a bath, if not this weekend, but at least before the turn of the year. Fortune follows you everywhere you go, however he looks like Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses. Carry a big stick everywhere you go. Avoid flying your red kite near electricity pylons, especially around Sir James Saville. 

And with that, Mme B disappears into the mist, with only a passing "V" to the assembled celebrities in her wake. 

And that's it.

Madame B - Episode 1

First Published: 05 December 2003, 08:57

Good morning, believers

I have just been tapped on the shoulder by a dishevelled and frankly hideous looking Mme B, who assures me that six bottles of Scotch a night is perfectly acceptable for a celebrity horoscope provider, such as herself. I asked her if she had ever seen Russell Grant or Mystic Meg walk into Drummond House, still clattered after a night of superpowered binge drinking. She has stormed off with a builders trowel, to hastily apply make up and invent some rubbish based on tea-leaves/the planets/upturned fish-bowl/the words the scabs on her genitals read today.

Stars update will hit your inboxes at around 11.30, but a more lurid set of stars could be available after Mme B has a couple of tots at "The Ritz" with the rest of the team here.

Keep the faith.

Madame B - Episode 0

First Published: 14 November 2003 13.41

Good afternoon

Today's thoughts come from none other than Madame B, Scotland's premiere Astrologer and Tea-Leaf Reading expert.

Virgo Aug 24 - Sep 23

A powerful connection is made between your head, and a concrete fence post. This leads to sensational visions of success and prosperity, which last until you come round. Love is easily found for you today, inbetween lovdzangle and lovearch in the dictionary. Destiny points to a half finished bottle of wine. That talks to you. Your lucky number is Tuesday.

Gemini May 22 - Jun 21

Love is in the air, on the stairs, and dripping down your gearstick. It's a passion filled weekend that stems from high pressure in Uranus. Venus brings fire, and with it. a truck filled with firemen. Don't let this opportunity pass you by. Work problems are solved with an artistic flourish, after you purchase a job lot of paint and explosive.

This and other phenomenal predictions again soon, but for today - that's all from Madame B, and her amazing regurgitating cat.

Have fun

Hello From Madame B

This is the blog entirely devoted to the incredible true predictions from the famous astrologer Madame Blakeway, Scotland's most accurate coffee leaves reader and Tarot card observer.

As is the way from people in the public eye, Madame B doesn't do readings directly. I was fortunate to bump into her in Morrisons in Edinburgh in 2003, as she was loading her delicate gypsy dress with cases of lager. We got talking as her on-off husband frantically fought off nine irate security guards, and she passed me her mobile number on an ornate purple card. And with that, she had gone, in a puff of smoke. Or dust. One of the two. And so had my wallet.

I was next in Edinburgh a few weeks later, and trembling with excitement I dialled the number. Madame B answered with a small recorded commercial for her card reading services, and a crash of a cymbal. She instinctively started to read my stars (Libra! How did she know?) and gave me personalised readings for up to but not more than three other people.

From then, whenever I was in Edinburgh, I received a special one off reading of the same quality and a similar smell.

After returning to Birmingham, she sent me what she called 'air messages' and what turned out to be emails containing a brief update on her career, news on her traveling carnival hand psychopathic husband - and always a small reading.

In early 2004, following some terrific blunt head trauma, I lost contact with Madame B.

Due to frankly unrealistic circumstances, I am proud to herald her return. September 2008 sees the staggering (literally) return of the woman Russell Grant 'has never heard of', Justin Toper 'cannot comment due to ongoing legal action', and Mystic Meg has labelled 'a fraud', Madame B.