Madame B - Episode 4

First Published: 13 January 2004 16:45

Good afternoon, believers!

And what an afternoon it is! Following Mme B's unsavoury assault with a golf club in December, she has been prone in a coma. This afternoon, she has awoken from her slumber with a snort and an uncharacteristic grab for water.

She drank like a fish, and spoke for the first time in over a month...and it wasn't swearing or requests for booze. It was an eloquent discussion about Mexico, and the problems currently facing the President, Vicente Fox.

The doctors immediately realised there was a problem, and insisted that she started doing a bit of fortune telling to jog her memory.

This is the results, which I managed to smuggle out of the hospital, wrapped in blankets.

Virgo

It is with the greatest of pleasure I can inform you that the Michigan State University Annual Financial Forecast will take place on Friday, in Grand Rapids. There is no guess-work happening here, this will happen. I have read it. Also likely to happen will be Robert Kilroy-Silk birched for his appalling comments and David Beckham to appear in at least one other newspaper before the end of the week.

Capricorn

Eh? Pass me that Scotch. That's better. Also likely to happen this week is weather. There will be weather this week. I read that too. Can't be more specific, I'm afraid, celestial forces are at work. But weather will occur between now and 5.30 on Friday afternoon. You will also be informed of more reliable horoscopes between now and the above time. Grrrrrr.

Sagittarius

Who hit me with that golf club? I'll-lavverm! Raaa! Old Sadgey, this week will bring you powerful visions of events happening in a far off land...but this will be resolved when you sit back a little from the telly, and switch off Sky News. Stay away from Neurofen. Invest heavily in badgers. What English word has twenty letters, begins with N and ends with N? Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Come oooon!

It was at this stage Mme B was sedated with a high-speed train. I'm glad I got out alive, and that Mme B has come out of her coma - but will she recover to her acidic horoscope providing best?

Only the future can tell.

And only one person can tell the future...

Yours Criptically